so you know

He broke up with me.

He'd been a bit distant for a while, not returning calls, reluctant to make plans. So I asked him if something was wrong, and he came over. We went for a walk. And he told me staying together wasn't fair to either of us, because I loved him and he didn't love me, and knew he never would.

A couple of months ago, after I'd told him I loved him and he'd never said it, I asked him if he did. He said he didn't know. And then he realized he just didn't, at all. I constantly had a lot of anxiety about our relationship because I always felt like I was more into it than he was; this anxiety caused me to start arguments over small things and get jealous. I was always terrified of losing him, and now it's happened.

He said he cares about me very much. He hated hurting me. He told me it would be all right.

I'm a mess. I keep thinking of all the things we didn't get to do, and all the things we'll never do again. And I know there's nothing I did wrong, and nothing I could do to make him love me, but it hurts more than anything I've ever gone through. I loved him so much - still do. Waking up next to him, being held by him, having him make me breakfast... made me the happiest I've ever been in my life. I gave everything to him. While we were together, I was completely focused on him. All my happiness was because of him, and all my unhappiness too. And now I feel like there's nothing. Logically I know that's not true, but it's still the feeling I have.

My friends have been over all the time, which is good, but I've still been crying for days and hardly eating or sleeping. I've been calling out of work. Nothing I usually enjoy seems to mean anything anymore or bring any happiness. And... that's all I can think to say about it right now.