relationships

Aside from missing him terribly and being heartbroken, I'm finding it really hard to deal with this new "being single" thing. Just that word makes me all cringey. I love being in a relationship. I think there's nothing in the world better or more meaningful than being in love. So now... that's been taken away, and I have this "lost" feeling. My friends have been enormously helpful, and I've been with them all the time, and it really does help, and I laugh and have a good time... but then have to come back to my house, my own bed, alone. And it hurts, and it's lonely.

I've been thinking... And what comes to mind first is that there is nothing better than love, nothing better than falling asleep and waking up next to someone you love, cuddling while watching a movie, hello and goodbye kisses and kisses for no reason at all, sharing a bed and a shower and so many private jokes and memories, being tickled and picked up and spun around, having someone to write love letters to, and wear sexy lingerie for, and bring surprises to. There's nothing better than standing in your love's kitchen wearing your pajamas and his old college sweatshirt. And having someone who makes you just so grateful for his existence, so appreciative of the precise way he takes up space in the world.

But then, and this is what I have to tell myself now, to get through, but also what's true... Is that there is something better than what I've had, something better than just loving - which is loving, and being loved with just as much passion as you're giving. And with Taylor I wasn't getting that, not at all toward the end. And no matter how much I loved him, it never would've been enough, when he didn't love me. So there is something better than what I lost, and I don't have it now, but I hope I will someday. And there's a realization now: knowing that if I hadn't lost this relationship, then I could never find the something-better. And just thinking about how amazing what I had was, makes me think that what I can have in the future will be even more amazing and beautiful. I hope.

Even though the thought of being with another guy right now makes me feel panicked... I have to trust that time will make it better, and easier, and that I'll find someone else when I'm ready.