Aside from missing him terribly and being heartbroken, I'm finding it really hard to deal with this new "being single" thing. Just that word makes me all cringey. I love being in a relationship. I think there's nothing in the world better or more meaningful than being in love. So now... that's been taken away, and I have this "lost" feeling. My friends have been enormously helpful, and I've been with them all the time, and it really does help, and I laugh and have a good time... but then have to come back to my house, my own bed, alone. And it hurts, and it's lonely.
I've been thinking... And what comes to mind first is that there is nothing better than love, nothing better than falling asleep and waking up next to someone you love, cuddling while watching a movie, hello and goodbye kisses and kisses for no reason at all, sharing a bed and a shower and so many private jokes and memories, being tickled and picked up and spun around, having someone to write love letters to, and wear sexy lingerie for, and bring surprises to. There's nothing better than standing in your love's kitchen wearing your pajamas and his old college sweatshirt. And having someone who makes you just so grateful for his existence, so appreciative of the precise way he takes up space in the world.
But then, and this is what I have to tell myself now, to get through, but also what's true... Is that there is something better than what I've had, something better than just loving - which is loving, and being loved with just as much passion as you're giving. And with Taylor I wasn't getting that, not at all toward the end. And no matter how much I loved him, it never would've been enough, when he didn't love me. So there is something better than what I lost, and I don't have it now, but I hope I will someday. And there's a realization now: knowing that if I hadn't lost this relationship, then I could never find the something-better. And just thinking about how amazing what I had was, makes me think that what I can have in the future will be even more amazing and beautiful. I hope.
Even though the thought of being with another guy right now makes me feel panicked... I have to trust that time will make it better, and easier, and that I'll find someone else when I'm ready.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
so you know
He broke up with me.
He'd been a bit distant for a while, not returning calls, reluctant to make plans. So I asked him if something was wrong, and he came over. We went for a walk. And he told me staying together wasn't fair to either of us, because I loved him and he didn't love me, and knew he never would.
A couple of months ago, after I'd told him I loved him and he'd never said it, I asked him if he did. He said he didn't know. And then he realized he just didn't, at all. I constantly had a lot of anxiety about our relationship because I always felt like I was more into it than he was; this anxiety caused me to start arguments over small things and get jealous. I was always terrified of losing him, and now it's happened.
He said he cares about me very much. He hated hurting me. He told me it would be all right.
I'm a mess. I keep thinking of all the things we didn't get to do, and all the things we'll never do again. And I know there's nothing I did wrong, and nothing I could do to make him love me, but it hurts more than anything I've ever gone through. I loved him so much - still do. Waking up next to him, being held by him, having him make me breakfast... made me the happiest I've ever been in my life. I gave everything to him. While we were together, I was completely focused on him. All my happiness was because of him, and all my unhappiness too. And now I feel like there's nothing. Logically I know that's not true, but it's still the feeling I have.
My friends have been over all the time, which is good, but I've still been crying for days and hardly eating or sleeping. I've been calling out of work. Nothing I usually enjoy seems to mean anything anymore or bring any happiness. And... that's all I can think to say about it right now.
He'd been a bit distant for a while, not returning calls, reluctant to make plans. So I asked him if something was wrong, and he came over. We went for a walk. And he told me staying together wasn't fair to either of us, because I loved him and he didn't love me, and knew he never would.
A couple of months ago, after I'd told him I loved him and he'd never said it, I asked him if he did. He said he didn't know. And then he realized he just didn't, at all. I constantly had a lot of anxiety about our relationship because I always felt like I was more into it than he was; this anxiety caused me to start arguments over small things and get jealous. I was always terrified of losing him, and now it's happened.
He said he cares about me very much. He hated hurting me. He told me it would be all right.
I'm a mess. I keep thinking of all the things we didn't get to do, and all the things we'll never do again. And I know there's nothing I did wrong, and nothing I could do to make him love me, but it hurts more than anything I've ever gone through. I loved him so much - still do. Waking up next to him, being held by him, having him make me breakfast... made me the happiest I've ever been in my life. I gave everything to him. While we were together, I was completely focused on him. All my happiness was because of him, and all my unhappiness too. And now I feel like there's nothing. Logically I know that's not true, but it's still the feeling I have.
My friends have been over all the time, which is good, but I've still been crying for days and hardly eating or sleeping. I've been calling out of work. Nothing I usually enjoy seems to mean anything anymore or bring any happiness. And... that's all I can think to say about it right now.
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