hello

Whenever there's been a significant time when I haven't posted on a blog, it's mostly been because there is so much going on in my mind that I can't even write it down in a coherent way. When I start to realize that the mess in my head has gotten so big that I need to fix it, then the desire to write about it comes back. So here I am. I wanted to start a new blog again because I feel like each blog I've had marks a time in my life and a particular mindset to go along with it, and lately I've been trying to change my mindset - from terrible anxiety and fear, into optimism.

Sooo, since my last post, here are some things that have happened:

- I'm in therapy again for the first time since I was thirteen. I got a recommendation for a really good therapist from my doctor and I've only had two appointments so far, but I think it's going to help. She has me doing these exercises with titles like "Overcoming Negative Self-Talk;" sounds pretty lame, huh? But I think it might work. I'm going to post some of that stuff on this blog.

- I've gotten freaked out about the future again. I had a brief period of being okay with the present, thinking about Embracing Possibililty! and whatnot, but then it hit me like ye olde piano from the sky that I'm about to become a senior in college, STILL with no. fucking. clue about where my life is going to go.

- Thanks to my advanced poetry class with a really awesome professor and talented students, I've gotten a lot better as a poet and started viewing poetry as a serious interest, instead of something fun to do on the side. I've even tentatively stopped deluding myself that I'd rather be a fiction writer.

- I am pseudo-seriously considering applying to graduate school next year for an MFA in some kind of creative writing. Partly because I really am interested, partly because I don't want to get a real job - and don't think I'll be able to find a real job that would be anything close to fulfilling.

- Things with the boyfriend are still going very well. I'm in love and happy, but my fear of the future makes me anxious about our relationship. I want it to last, so much.

So, yay, new blog! I'm going to try to write often, and add photos and interesting things, and try to lift away that serious, melodramatic tone that seeped into the other blog when I was depressed. I can't seem to escape the inevitable Musings About My Life when I write, but I'll try to also incorporate amusing things like anecdotes and fashion misdemeanors and crazy people, cloud-patterns and books I'm reading and things written on sidewalks. Here's to a beginning.